You’ve probably seen those terrible ads for “one weird tip for losing belly fat” on the internet. Tonight, I’ll give you mine. 😉
After six months of deluding myself that I could eat whatever I wanted in reasonable proportions and somehow magically move toward a healthy weight, I stepped on the scale to discover that weight was much higher than last time. I’m not ashamed of my body, nor do I think it’s appropriate for me to tell anyone else to do with theirs. But I do want to get back into a healthy weight range for all sorts of reasons: Health. Longevity. Staving off diabetes. Good old-fashioned vanity too.
Thankfully, I know how to lose weight in a healthy manner, because I’ve done it before. What works for me is mild caloric restriction and a bit more exercise. It’s boring, and slow, and I have to track everything I eat in an app, which is kind of a pain! And to be healthy over the long term I need to keep on tracking even after I’ve reached my goal. That’s been my problem in the past. I arrive at a good place then promptly drop my good habits.
Can I make it stick this time? I hope so, and I believe so.
The thing I hate about losing weight (other than the tedium of food-logging) is the way that other people tend to get up in your business. For women especially, there seems to be this bat-signal that goes out when you change your diet, and aquaintances offer you unsolicited advice, most of it terrible. Then if you have any success, these same busybodies try to pull you down a notch. Some call this dynamic “crabs in a bucket”, after the way crabs pull each other down into the bucket when one tries to escape over the edge.
Losing excess weight might be good for your health, but a side-effect is that it reveals all the insecurity and nastiness around you in the same way a blacklight reveals fluid stains at a crime scene. You’ll be there just casually eating a slice of pizza you’ve budgeted calories for, and fucking Gail from Accounting will make a cutting remark about your diet. Or you’ll work super-hard to get healthy, and some other Gail will snark about how it must be nice to have such a great metabolism. GAH! WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS? I don’t know, but these scenarios bring me to my one weird tip, which is this:
Don’t tell (most) people you’re trying to lose weight.
This doesn’t apply to members of a bona fide support group, your doctor, or your spouse, assuming you’ve vetted those people as being supportive. But to follow my example from earlier, fucking Gail from Accounting doesn’t need to know your plans! And I’ve learned that we have more Gails in our lives than we realize. Heck, I’ve probably been a Gail a time or two myself, before I knew better! That’s why I suggest you keep your support circle small and trustworthy. Otherwise, you’re stuck with plan B, which is punching rude people directly in the c^nt when they get up in your business.
Gail: You really should be doing Keto! My cousin— C^NTPUNCH
Sue: Diets don’t work sweetie! Why do you hate your— C^NTPUNCH
Joe: You’ll get bulky with those weights! You— D!CKPUNCH
I’m kidding. Kidding! (probably.) Jail chow might help you lose weight, but I can’t recommend it as a strategy. As for me, I’m five days into my “mild calorie restriction” and over the initial grouchiness hump. The first week is always a bit spiky as my body comes down off the junk food. And overall, I expect it will take me about a year to do the body recomposition (lose excess weight, then add some muscle). No matter how long it takes, it’s a relief to be back on a healthy path.
And, yes, I realize I’m violating my own rule by writing this out. But I trust you not to be a Gail, blog friends, so we’re all good! And if I’m wrong, well… clenches fists
Muahahahahaaaa….. Don’t test me. 😜
PS: In case it’s not obvious, Gail from Accounting isn’t a real person. She’s a type.